Tuesday, December 16, 2014

mental wanderings of a negative nature

Sorry, this is really meandering...consider it a free-flow of mental thoughts. I'm sure my grammar and punctuation is a joke.  sorry in advance.

I'm typing this up while kneeling next to the computer desk.  I should steal the seats back from the kids, they're using them for heaven knows what...but I'm not.  I don't know if it's because I'm a laid-back mom or a lazy one or a tired one.  Life has been hard lately, which makes me sad.  If there's a time of year I should be happy, it's October-December.  It's the BEST time of the year.  If I can't be happy during those months, I'm kind of screwed for the rest of the year.  I'm trying though, but sometimes things are rough.  I don't know if my kids are just at hard phases or my head just isn't in the game.  I feel like I've already run a marathon but I have so. much. left to go.  Not to mention, for the 2 littlest boys, they're just beginning.  They shouldn't get a worn-out mom already, should they?  I guess it's a trade-off for getting to have the kind of mom who doesn't put them in time-out for every infraction, like I did with Ezra.  Georgia beat that out of me, though.  Poor Ez.  I expect so much of him.  I suspect it's hard being the oldest.  I have to cut my teeth on him with every stage.  He's a rough one to cut them on, though.  I just don't know what's normal.  What's his aspie-ness or what's normal, obnoxious 9-year-old boy stuff.  I suspect it's a mixture of both.  I worry about him.  Honestly, I think he's getting more autistic.  I don't know if it's the stress of school bringing it out in him or just a natural progression (or should that be regression?) of things.  When he got him diagnosed (right after Kindergarten) he didn't have any noticeable physical traits.  That has definitely changed over the last year.  I feel like every month I notice more and more quirks coming out.  The way he sits (ie-crouches).  How he seeks out small corners to squeeze into or spends more and more time covering his head with blankets.  How he'll systematically bounce his head off the couch.  How he can't seem to focus on anything or anyone when we're in loud/crowded/chaotic places (which, unfortunately, includes our house).  He just so extreme...he's either rolling around on the floor/wrestling with his siblings/running around like a crazy OR completely zoned out; doesn't want anyone touching him OR laying all over me; refuses to talk to anyone/completely zones out OR won't stop talking about his current obsession.  I know this is what high-functioning autism looks like, I do, it's just hard to feel like we're going backwards instead of forward.  He comes home from school everyday and just unravels.  He'll throw fits over everything, refuse to eat most foods, and constantly verbally or physically hurts his siblings.  I'm hoping to get him into his own bedroom after the new year (he's currently sharing a room with the little boys), hopefully that'll help him a bit.

So, sorry for not having updating this.  Like I mentioned, things are feeling a little overwhelming right now. Thank heavens for tender mercies and little blessings.  Like Friday lunch dates with a bestie or the fact that Scarlett is pretty easy right now (hah! she's currently standing next to me with her killer whine.  how's that for ironic?).  Hot pink ipsy packages in the mail.  Georgia was going through a super-rough patch but seems to have been on the up-swing since about Thanksgiving.  PRAISES BE!  I was about ready to sell her to the circus as a side show-act.  Something like The Human Tigress! would work well for her. We have Fischer off of dairy and that seems to be helping with some of his general fussiness.  Oak is still hilarious although he's picking up his siblings' bad language.  If I hear him call one more person a Stupid Idiot or yell Shut Up one more time, I'm going to slit my wrists.  It's bad enough that I have to try to keep my grade-schoolers from talking like that, but my 3 year old?! ugh.

I think sometimes the holidays are hard because so much is expected of us mothers...both by society and ourselves.  I'm expected to do SO MUCH.  Teacher gifts, fun holiday-themed family activities, cookie-making, costuming, taking each kid personally Christmas shopping, homemade sibling gifts, holiday count-downs, christmas cards, and elf-hiding, work parties, church parties, elders quorum parties, friend parties, and present-wrapping and present-buying (for *5* kids, y'all...that's an INSANE amount of gifts, even if we keep the numbers low per kid)...and just ALL THE THINGS.  Now, before I start getting lambasted for listing stuff that I'm choosing to do, I'm fully aware that I'm putting a lot of this on myself.  It's just that I WANT to do it.  I want to be that mom.  My kids get Tired Mom and Grumpy Mom and Mean Mom so much of the time that I want to be the Good, Nice, frickin' Cookie-Making Mom for a couple of months out of the year.  They deserve that.  It's just hard to be worn-out and super-fun and enthusiastic at the same time.  Oh well, c'est la vie.  So goes the way of mothers all over the world, I'm sure...or at least the First World ones.

Well...time to make dinner...or at least it was an hour and a half ago.  Oh dinner-time, how I loathe thee.  Anyway, sorry to be such a downer, I just needed to get it out there, I guess.  Hopefully it won't be another eternity before I post again.  Here's to new starts in the soon-to-arrive new year (including on the blog)!


Adrienne said...

Love your blog. See, at least you still blog. That's more than me.

People always say to "remember the reason for the season" or concentrate on the important things. I always think, "sure, I'd like to. but, then again, I can't show up to Christmas without gifts." There's only so much you can leave out. And isn't everything we do, everything, in the name of service these days. You do a good job. Sometimes I wonder if I'd adopted my kids, I would be blaming all sorts of bad behavior on their past. But I'm the parent and I know everything they have gone through and I still can't figure out why we have massive tantrums and stubborness and disobedience. Still, on the whole, I think they'll turn out. Only time will tell.

Annie said...

I hear you! And I'm only doing half the things you're trying to do - but... add 2 birthdays this month. Whew. Just hang in there! And you don't have to do it all and shouldn't choose to do it all either. We're in such a busy season of our lives, with these young ones. They need a mom who is there and happy, not worn out ragged from trying to do everything. I know you want to do it all, but there is a time and season for everything. Not a season to do everything. :)

suzanne said...

I loved this entry because I feel the same way sometimes (minus a few of the kids even). All I can say is, love 'em, don't kill 'em, and pray for their future spouses. That's what I'm doing :) You will pull out of this and smile again. Matter of fact, you may be already.

Felicia said...

I think you're super-mom, Whitney! I mean, five kids! And you're still alive! But seriously, part of why I think you're so amazing is because you are able to write this post. So many moms are overwhelmed and stressed and feel like they can't express that to anyone. So thanks for writing this post. I hope things start to feel better!