Thursday, July 25, 2013

the backside of childbearing

I know I really should be posting adorable pictures of my children from our multiple summer vacations (is it still considered a vacation if one takes their work (i.e.: the small savages) along?), but instead I'm being selfish and posting something about myself instead.  My bestie sent me this link since it reminded her of me.  Oh, how right she was!  It's definitely a struggle I deal with daily as I try to come to terms with this pregnancy being my last.  We decided that five was our number since I don't know if our finances, time, or sanity can stretch much farther...but it's just so darn painful.  It kills me, but enough is enough and one has to stop sometime.  So, I'm sharing it with all of you since I figure I can't possibly be the only one who mourns the end of my childbearing.  Enjoy!


Alabama Apples said...

Thank you. As one who knew she was done, I still have gone through a couple of mourning periods. I mourned when Emme started school and honestly, I mourned a few months ago. It is not that I feel like I need is just my body feels like it is supposed to have another little heart beat tucked up under mine. I am the slightly crazy lady who wants to hold each little baby I see (I'm sure people think odd things as I longingly smile in walmart, gas-stations, etc.) I don't mind if your baby is crying, I don't mind if they spit-up. The sweet milky smell or even the sour smell is part of being a mommy. A part I love. I asked Kit the other day what I was going to do since my talent of pregnancy and delivery and early motherhood was gone? It is something I know I do well...what do you do without it? I startled for a moment at a random stomach gurgle the other felt so much like one of the first kicks. What to do when there isn't going to be that any more?

I live currently through you, darling sisters. I longingly love on your babies 'cause I know there isn't a second of begrudging. I continue to let my eyes wander and rewander to the tiny perfect little head and wrinkly neck I see. One day, the edge of mourning will ease.

Tine said...

Oh wow. That was just terrible. I actually loved her thoughts on the subject but its just too sad. I clearly am not ready to be done! I cried and cried while watching the video and cried and cried later while telling brad about it. Thanks for sharing!

holyoak said...

May I add a little different perspective, an eternal one? We are eternal beings. These are longings
of what may be if we inherit those blessings. How else would Rebekah's blessing come true? [And they blessed Rebekah, and said unto her, Thou art our sister, be thou the amother of thousands of millions, (Genesis 24:60)]
Eternal motherhood. Don't mourn; look forward! A little different perspective.

Love you!!

sharon said...

Very interesting. I was never one of those who enjoyed being pregnant. My back hurt constantly, I couldn't find a bra that fit, I got a terrible allergy that left me crying in the morning and night because my face itched so badly. Pregnancy changed me all together and I really wondered if I was meant to be a mother after all. Over time I have grown to love my children more and more and I hurt when they hurt and mourn when they mourn.
The decision for me to quit was quite easy and I was left with the feeling of am I a bad mother because I don't want any more children. Am I a bad person because I don't fit the persona of what a good Mormon mother and wife should be? I was ready to quit at two children but it was my husband who wanted one more and it was a big struggle for me to have our third child. Thus the 6 year spread between the youngest and middle child. I love our third child with all my heart and she keeps us laughing all the time.
The two spectrums are different but I think we both have that ache in our heart, the struggle that being a mother brings. Wanting to keep the Lords commandments and doing what is right. But in the end we will all be blessed for bringing these spirits into the world and being the best mom we know how to be.

Gardners said...

I used to feel the same way, Whitney. It was strange when my pregnancy buddies were having more babies and I wasn't anymore. And when my kids all went off to school, I definitely felt like my purpose was less important. There is SO much support for young mothers out there; about how there's nothing more sacred or important than rocking a baby or playing pat-a-cake, etc. I'd told myself that so much, that it seemed like the new stage required something less important. Now, I see it's just different.

Anyway, when I was in the middle of that mourning, one day, I realized that THAT was the promise of eternal life - eternal increase, having babies forever! They'd never end! Suddenly, it all became okay. I'm going to get to do this forever. :) And then, with kids at 11, 9, 7, and 4, I decided that from then on, whatever stage I was in, THOSE would be the best days of my life. And now, with them at 17, 15, 13, and 10, I still feel that way! These are the best days of my life! It's sweet watching them grow up and I know I'll get to do this over and over and over again one day. :)

In the meantime, YES, enjoy your last pregnancy and your littles - cause right now, THESE are the best days of your life!

Annie said...

I cried hard after the doctor told me not to have any more. After my 5th C-section, it would be too risky to have another. I was planning on 6, so I wasn't ready for that realization that I was done having babies. But now I have accepted that and I'm okay with it. I know I'll miss things about the baby stage, but I am also excited for our next season of life. I do feel like we are in a transition phase. I still have a baby, so I am not sure what it will be like not to have one. I am guessing I will be "mourning" a little bit with the end of certain things. BUT I can't imagine missing things like diapers or potty-training. Does anyone miss those??