Friday, November 16, 2012

the big ol' bump in the middle of the road

I was planning on posting cute pictures today of Georgia and Ezra with the turkeys they made for their classes at school, I even had them downloaded and everything...instead, I find myself driven to talk about something else pregnancy.  No, I'm not currently pregnant and no, not one of my previous 4 pregnancies...but that other one.  That one that didn't stick.  The one that didn't last...that other one.

I would be 12 weeks today.

Today, I would be announcing to the world that we were expecting baby #5 and writing an entirely different sort of blog post, although, most likely, with the same set of pictures.  #5...making us a family of seven, making me the mama of an official Brood.  Hopefully our last.  I was due May 31st, although, with my history the baby would probably arrive mid-may, hopefully not on Spencer's birthday on the 14th and before Georgia's on the 26th.  I would be explaining to everyone just why I've been looking a bit...rounder...than usual.

With each pregnancy I show earlier and this last pregnancy was no different.  I swear to you now that I was starting to get a bump by 5 1/2 weeks.  I promise I'm not making it up.  I've always suspected it's the hormones that make me show so early (versus that actual microscopic baby or overeating) and sure, enough, when I started to miscarry that bump started to shrink (as the testing showed my hcg hormone levels were falling), proving my hormone/bump-relation theory.  It was basically gone before I was even done bleeding.

We were planning on this pregnancy being my last so I made sure to savor all the milestones of it.  I thought to myself, "this is it," when I got a positive test result.  I surprised Spencer at work with a bun in a metaphorical oven (a gift bag labeled "oven" ;) to tell him the good news.  I took a couple of early bump pictures when we went to the pumpkin patch in early October (about a week before the miscarriage) and then told the kids about the "baby in my belly" during our family photo shoot so I'd be sure to have it on film, unlike any of the others previously.

I thought it was my last and I wanted to savor every moment of it.

It's silly I know, I knew and know that miscarriages are rampant and I wasn't far along at all, really.  Only 7 1/2 weeks when we lost it.  It's barely a bump in my lengthy reproductive history.

But it wasn't just a bump.  I think, maybe, that's why I felt so driven to write about it today.  I keep on down-playing it to everyone because, frankly, sympathy makes me uncomfortable and for a myriad of other reasons.  And I really am, truly doing fine.  promise.  In some ways I feel like I shouldn't really be all that torn up about it...I mean, I was only 7 weeks and I had only known I was pregnant for a few weeks.  I have 4 other beautiful children and the miscarriage didn't do any lasting damage.  It only took me a few months to get pregnant with that baby and I've never had to try to conceive longer than 6 months at a chances are I'll get pregnant again fairly soon with relative ease.  In reality, the fetus was underdeveloped and wouldn't have lasted long, regardless.  The list goes on...

Really, I know all those things, I do.  There is so much fertility pain in the world and mine is not even a drop in the bucket.  I know so many wonderful, amazing, strong women have it oh-so-much harder than me.  But wasn't just a bump on the road to me.

It was a baby.  A teeny-tiny, underdeveloped (even for it's miniscule age) fetus, I know, but still a dream of a baby to me.  And...that dream died.  That was the single most painful thing...I knew that there was a infinitely small baby dying inside of me.  I went in to get things checked when I started to bleed and there was still a heartbeat.  Faint, underdeveloped, and irregular...but a heartbeat.  That baby, despite the fact that it shouldn't be, was alive.  And...then it wasn't.  I knew it was coming, too.  As soon as I started spotting I knew that was it.

I just did.

And so, life goes on.  I have a bit more experience under my belt and a bit less naivety too.  I'm slightly more vulnerable and things sting a bit more.  Like when Spencer gets some short-lived pregnancy detail wrong or when I hear yet another pregnancy announcement due within a month of my due date...we're up to a dozen already.  Really, let me clarify now, that I am SO HAPPY for all of my friends who are pregnant now and due around the same time I was.  Really, truly happy for you all.  I wouldn't trade places for an instant, wouldn't wish my miscarriage on anyone.  I just wish we could've been pregnant together.  I'm ok, though, really I am.

I just didn't want to forget.  I didn't want this whole thing to pass me by without recording it in the only thing I have that resembles a journal.  I've always believed that the world needs more honesty in it...that we all need to share a bit more of ourselves, more of our humanity with each other.  But mostly...I just didn't want to forget.  There was a baby in there and I loved it.  For a very brief period in was mine.

At the pumpkin patch:
6 weeks
How tall this fall?

Spencer, the brat, insisted I had to lay on the ground for an accurate baby height reading.  That's why the back of my jacket is all dusty in the previous picture. 

Here's the family photo shoot announcement:
 7 weeks

Ezra and Georgia, silly kids, didn't believe me.  Despite having seen it two times before, it still took much convincing before they actually believed there was anything of note in my belly.  I'm totally trying to convince Georgia here.

So, there you have it, friends.  This blog is my heart and my soul and right now, for a while at least, my heart is a little my blog is a little sad too.  Thanks for letting me empty my mind and soul to you for a bit.


sharon said...

I'm sorry, I don't know exactly how you feel, but I do know how I felt when I miscarried. It was no fun. I really wanted a baby born in Texas. My home state. But it wasn't to be. Heavenly Father knew it wasn't the right time and I had to accept it. When we had KeLei we were ready and I received the best care ever. I knew she would be our last and she was spoiled rotten after we had her. Such a joy to our family and she still fills our lives with laughter. You'll never forget the feeling you felt carrying your little one even if it was for a short time. Happy thoughts to you and may your heart find peace and happiness.

All About M.E.('s) said...

Hi. This is Mindy. So sorry to hear. :( I don't think it matters how far along you are, a lost baby is a lost baby and that's a hard thing. I'm sure you're doing fine because you're amazing, but still, it's good and therapeutic to mourn. Beautifully written post Whitney and those pictures are adorable!

Tara McCausland said...

Sorry about your news, Miss Whitney. Miscarriages run rampant in my family so the Croshaw clan knows well the sadness that accompanies that loss. I'm hoping I've hit my quota with 4 miscarriages of my own. Number 5 will come to you when the time is right. Love to you all.:)

Life with the Howell Family said...

Whitney my heart aches for you. You are amazing like you I have a really rough time accepting sympathy. I miscarried a baby at 13 week. Mom had just announced to the Holyoak clan how excited she was to become a Grandma again. The next week I miscarried. The baby was suppose to be born on my hubbys bday we were so excited. I too struggled with the announcement of other babies. Truly joyful for them but since I'm a very private person only family were aware of our loss. Wish I would of been more open with others like you. What a strong and amazing person.

Felicia said...

I'm so sorry, Whit! My heart aches for you. I wish we lived closer and that I could just chat with you in person. My thought are with you and your family.

Kristin Hanson said...

I echo your feelings, exactly. Regardless of wether the pregnancy would/could have gone to term, that was still a baby you carried for a month and a half. Life was present, you nutured it. And then... It was gone. I felt/feel the same way about my own. Each time someone annouced their pregnancy after mine, it wasnt a punch in the gut, but rather a tug on my heart. A wish, a desire, to be experiencing the joy along side them. My heart still aches that a little one would already be in our family by now, but waiting a while longer for baby brother to arrive was the Lord's plan and I am content. Love you tons, and wish i were closer! And dont sell yourself short - every infertility issue is real and hard, no matter how many successful pregnancies you have had or how long the unsuccessful ones have lasted.

Melanie said...

These are the hardest moments of life, but you're right- not the ones to be forgotten. So many hugs for you and your adorable family!

Alabama Apples said...

i love you and remembering is good. being stronger after heartache is even better. love, love, love you

Megan said...

hey whit, thanks so much for sharing this. i understand your feelings in so many ways. i appreciate your openness and vulnerability. you are totally right, we need more of this in life. why do most feel so compelled to hide from their true emotions? why can't we let ourselves be seen as week and struggling at times? b/c it's so frightening, but when done can be so liberating. last summer after going home to my family's, i got a positive pregnant test. told weston and had all the weeks ahead without him. days before coming home i miscarried at 9wks amidst a disaster of a flooded storage unit and having to rebook our flight to stay and sort it out. to protect myself, i shoved the miscarriage to the back saying, "it's a good thing, there must have been a problem" and just tried to ignore it, even though it took me a month to stop bleeding. when i got home, i felt so empty, in a way i'd not experienced before. i finally felt the sadness of losing that sacred connection and losing a life. someone taught me how emotions are to be gone through, not around or over and i needed to let myself feel so i could heal. once i allowed that, really neat learning experiences happened for me. i am grateful you are okay. you have a beautiful family, you are an absolutely amazing woman and i am proud to have you for a friend! love you so much!!!!

Aubrey said...

I had something different typed out but my internet is being buggy on me so I just want to say you look HOT in your family pics and I love your outfit - slightly jealous actually.

You know I'm here - so call me sometime when you're ready to talk and have the time.

Caldwell Family said...

I'm so sorry Whit. I hope that you get the time you need to heal. Let me know if you need to talk. Hugs.